


Let her go

by Xayah90



Series: My Letter to you [3]
Category: League of Legends
Genre: Blood and Injury, Bonding, Character Death, Child Death, Comfort, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Family Drama, Grief/Mourning, compunction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:47:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23839330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xayah90/pseuds/Xayah90
Summary: A decision is made after a serious setback has occurred.
Relationships: Rakan/Xayah (League of Legends)
Series: My Letter to you [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1717777
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

The sun has disappeared long ago, the night is clear, starless. As dark and gloomy as my thoughts. The only source of light around me are some small fireflies, floating in the windless darkness. Their soft blinking can even be seen from far away, ephemeral and weak, but with all its might. Thump, Thump. Like a heartbeat. The light of life, Rakan once told me.

My gaze is staring up at the night sky while I' m sitting on the swing in our garden, swinging slightly back and forth, my claws barely touching the grass below the swing, not enough for me to really notice. I feel his gaze on my neck as I keep looking up at the night sky. 

I throw a fleeting glance over my shoulder, Rakan is standing on the veranda, his look telling more than a thousand words could. I know that he wants to talk, that he wants to comfort me, that it would be better to try and comfort each other. But I can't, my mind refuses to speak a single thought about it. I am not able to talk about it, to think about it or even to say her name out loud.

I feel numb, empty. A voice in my head screams that it' s my fault, that I should have protected her. I bite my lower lip and avoid looking at Rakan, even if he doesn't say it out loud, I'm sure he blames me too. That Vika's death was the result of my incompetence alone. 

_I couldn't protect her..._  
_Why couldn't I protect my little girl?_  
_What kind of a terrible mother am I?!_

I notice a movement from the corner of my eye while my eyes are fixed on the ground, shortly afterwards I feel Rakan's hand on my shoulder. Hesitantly I look up, my eyes wandering along his body, absorbing every little detail.

His hair is messy and uncombed, dull. His cheeks are covered with stubble, his usually well trimmed beard longer than I am used to. Deep pain rests in his eyes, they are watery and give the impression of a wide ocean, but now the blue of his sea is unsteady, restless, deep rings below his eyes. He looks thinner, his trousers seem too wide for him. When was the last time he really had slept, eaten?

Guilty, I turn my head to the side, my lower lip trembles. This is all my fault, I could have spared _him_ this pain, could have spared _us_ this pain. **Should** have spared it.

~ * ~

The sun is shining, birds are chirping and insects are buzzing lively between the flowers in our garden. Some distance away from Vika and me is Rakan, two thick ropes and a smooth piece of wood in his hands. Vika sits on my arm, her white-blonde curls shimmering in the summer sun, one of her white ears is raised, the magenta tip twitches as a butterfly tries to settle on it. 

Her golden eyes turn into a bright blue towards the iris, they sparkle joyfully as she stretches out her arms towards the butterfly. Her eyes move in Rakan's direction, then back towards the butterfly, her arms reach up into the air again. "Daii", she squeaks happily and I can see Rakan's broad smile flitting across his lips. She looks over at him again and then again at the butterfly. "Uddafy", she giggles loudly.

Carelessly Rakan drops the ropes and the piece of wood, runs over to us and gives me a loving kiss before he kisses Vika lightly on her hairline. "What are you up to?", I laugh and point with a nod to the ropes lying in the grass. He beams at me and embraces us both. 

It is still a miracle to me how we were able to create something as wonderful as this little angel, she is our pride and joy.   
What have I done to deserve such happiness? I never thought that I could be so happy one day.

" I' m building a swing for the two princesses in my life," he laughs cheerfully and gives me another kiss, this time on the forehead. "And for each more you will gift to me." He smiles lovingly and strokes my belly tenderly. I put Vika in the soft grass and look lovingly at his face, breathing a tender kiss on his lips. "When Vika is in bed later...", I hint and bite his neck gently, which is immediately rewarded with a slight moan from Rakan.

"I'm not sure if I can wait that long, Miella," he whispers and pulls me towards him. Rubbing noses against each other I put my palm against his cheek. "I love you."

"I know." His voice sounds teasing, then he separates from me and nods over to the tree. "Since the swing won't attach itself, I'm unfortunately forced to leave you here alone, my darling." Laughing, he gives me another kiss and turns around.

At no time would I have admitted that I would like to have a family with him, that this is exactly what has grown from a simple thought to my biggest heart's desire in the last few years. It would be like a betrayal to my cause, never could I admit to this dream. Rakan certainly knows about my confused feelings, even if he doesn't mention it. He is a wonderful person, he has been from the first moment, even if it took me a long time to accept my feelings for him and even longer to acknowledge his for me. The day I realized there'd soon be three of us... I almost died of fear.

But Rakan was totally excited from the very beginning when I told him about the pregnancy, he burst into tears of joy, laughed and sang and for the rest of the day reluctantly let me out of his arms. From then on he took care of me so lovely and touching that in some situations it was almost annoying.

But I knew from the start that he would be a wonderful father, I always knew it. Once I had mentioned jokefully that it would be because he was still half a child himself, which he only accepted with a grin.

I follow him to the tree and reach into the basket, bringing out a small glass and a spoon. Inside the glass is a porridge with ganja fruit and honey, Vika's favourite. I can hardly believe that she has already enriched our lives for three wonderful years. 

With the glass in my hand I walk back towards our blanket where I had left Vika before. I frown, my fingers immediately get sweaty and I fall into a state of alertness, just like before. Where is she? My gaze goes to Rakan, she is not with him either. With quick steps I walk over to the blanket, looking around without seeing a sign of her. It was less than five minutes. Less than five minutes.

Where is she?!

Rakan looks over at me, noticing my ears twitching wildly and I search the surroundings with my eyes. "Honey?" He sounds worried. I turn rigidly around, every muscle in my body tense. "Where is Vika?!" My voice trembles, sounds almost shrill. 

"Don't worry, honey. She's here somewhere. She'll be fine. Come on, sweetie. We' re gonna look for her." He comes over to me with quick steps and takes me in his arms. Then we split up, looking for her. I run to our vegetable fields, they are not far from where I had dropped Vika down, but she isn't here either. 

My heart is racing, I'm not used to this much adrenaline anymore. I walk through the nearby flowerbed and look over to the high fence that separates our garden from the bordering forest. In front of the fence lies a small, tiny figure, the thin, yellow-pink feathers around her are scattered in all directions and soaked in the same liquid that emerges from a cut on her throat and covers the white-blonde hair. The liquid looks much like the magenta tips of her white-blonde curls, but the color is more intense, bright red, so red that it burns into my brain.

My fingernails cut into my face and I scream until everything turns black before my eyes. 

  
~ * ~

"Miella..." The soft voice tears me out of my memories, I didn't notice that I slipped off the swing and hit the floor. Rakan sits next to me, his hand on my back, while I rest on the floor and stare at the ground blankly. His voice sounds so sad... so infinitely sad...

_And it's all my fault._  
_No one else is to blame._

Again I start to shiver, my lower lip trembles. "Let it out, you should let your feelings run free", he whispers to me and I look up, tears form in my eyes. He tries to smile, he fails. His face shows the sorrow I have caused him. Because I wasn't more careful. 

"I'm so sorry... it's all my fault", I sob and then throw myself into his arms, while the first tears since her death run down my face. I feel his arms close tightly around me, his face pressing into my neck and I feel his tears running down my neck. 

_My fault._  
_His tears are all my fault..._  
_It would have been so much better for him if we had never met..._  
_He would have been spared this pain._  
_If the mercenaries had just killed me a few minutes before he arrived._  
_Then he would still be happily moving from place to place, singing and dancing, not living a life of endless sorrow..._

My body trembles and I can't control my emotions. "You shouldn't blame yourself... We were both careless... ...underestimated the dangers... felt safe here... We'll get through this together. Do you understand that? We're gonna get through this together, just like we always have. We've been doing everything together..." He breaks off, his eyes fall on the swing, which sways in the wind. Then his glance turns to the plain white stone, which is surrounded by many colourful flowers. "We have to leave." His voice sounds determined, when he stands up he pulls me up with him. My fingers cling to his cape and he holds me tight in his arms as he leads me to the house. I still can't control the tears... What's wrong with me? Why can't I stop crying?

"Where to?" 

My voice is fragile and little more than a whisper. "I don't know, but we have to get out of here. Away from the memories, away from the guilt. We must find ourselves again, find to each other again. And if we managed that, then we could..." He breaks off, his lips pressed into a thin line.

"Join the rebellion again? And finish what we have begun?" Even now my voice is more of a sob than anything else, but when he nods I feel better. I see a reason to go on.

Two reasons.

The rebellion.  
And Rakan.

And maybe, one day, if fate favours us, a fresh start and a second try for a happy family. A second chance where I won't make the same mistake twice.


	2. Chapter 2

An overwhelming heat is in the air, I can hear a rushing and humming in front of our tent, the noise is almost unbearable. A constant competition between the river, where we set up our camp a few days ago, and the mosquitoes, which became permanent travel companions due to the sticky weather. I don't know how many hours I' ve been up already, staring at the ceiling of our tent, abandoning myself to my thoughts. 

The place next to me is empty, Rakan left the tent a while ago. He said something, but I couldn't really hear him, my brain blanked out everything, transmitting little more than a blurred murmur. I swallow. I still don't know how to go on. Although I already have a plan, or rather Rakan has set up the plan, I' m not really able to do that myself at the moment.

He wants us to spend some time alone, to get closer to each other again, to fight our trauma together, to deal with it. Just the thought of it makes me snort. Rakan should know better, he knows that I'm not able to talk about such things, that I bury such serious, emotionally disturbing situations deep inside of me, simply forget them after a while. 

I' m well aware that this behaviour isn't healthy, but what can I do? Everybody deals with such experiences differently and this is just my way of continuing after these moments. If it were up to me, we would already be deeply involved in the rebellion again. I would prefer to invest my energy and strength in something meaningful instead of lying here in the tent and thinking about my mistakes and failures. And the longer I rest here, it becomes more obvious that it really was all my fault. 

_I dropped Vika down._   
_Because I wanted to tease Rakan, to charm him._   
_I just let her out of my sight._   
_I mean, what kind of mother just lets her child out of her sight?_   
_It was only for a few moments, but it was too long._   
_Enough to take our little girl's life forever._   
_If I' d been more cautious... ...I might have been more careful not to ignore the dangers around us..._

Why have I stopped being alert? In the past, this kind of thing couldn't have happened to me, nobody could have come near our home without getting familiar with my feathers. How did I get so careless? Did I really think we were safe? That we could have a happy and ordinary life?

Yes, I did, actually.  
I really wanted it and when that dream came true... I destroyed everything, lost everything. No, not everything. I still have Rakan, I need to be strong for him, as he is for me. I must keep myself together, keep going, be there for him. As he is for me.

I reach under Rakan's pillow, knowing that somewhere should be a pocket mirror. After a moment of searching I find it, with trembling fingers I open the mirror and look inside. 

Damn, I look terrible. Worse than I expected. I reach for one of the combs nearby and untangle my knotted hair, then I lightly stroke my feathers, I didn't even notice that they are so messy and ruffled, as I notice with astonishment. Through magic I form clean clothes and leave the tent, holding one hand in front of my eyes.

The sun is bright, blinding me and it takes me a moment to get used to the intensity. In surprise Rakan looks over to me, a huge smile flits over his lips. How long has it been since I left the tent? No idea, too long in any case.

"Miella..." His voice is soft as he comes over to me, his hand on my cheek. My head nestles against his hand, I close my eyes for a moment, enjoying the touch. It has been so incredibly long since we exchanged such loving moments and without thinking much about it, I take him in a tender embrace, which he returns immediately. 

It is impossible to tell how long we have been standing there like this, but when we separate, the world feels much better than before. For the first time since Vika's death, my surroundings no longer feel monotonous and grey, bright colours return to my life, just like back in the days when I finally allowed Rakan to become a true part of my life. 

Hesitantly at first, I grab his hand and drag him behind me, he follows me willingly and I lead him to a hot spring, not far away. Astonished he looks at me, I smile lightly and lean my head, looking at him questioningly. Before he can say anything, I strip off my dress and remove my leg wraps. Without hesitation he also takes off his clothes and walks a few steps into the hot water. 

As he stands in the water up to his hips, he offers his hand to me, wanting to help me get in. I smile at him, grab his hand and walk towards him, humming gently. Once almost there, he takes me into his arms with a quick movement, clutching me tightly. I rest my head against his chest, listen to his heartbeat.

Unawares I breathe a kiss on his chest, his arms enclose my body tighter and we sink together deeper into the hot water. Rakan sits down on a stone and puts me on his lap, still pressed tightly against him. For a little eternity we remain sitting motionless, my hand resting on his chest, right next to my head, still listening to his heartbeat.

"You don't know how much I've missed this," he whispers into my ear and I shudder. I cling to him tighter, trembling despite the heat that surrounds us. "I'm so sorry," I whisper just as softly. I feel his finger gently on my lips, preventing me from saying anything else.

"You don't need to apologize, you took all the time you needed and now you're back. We'll get through this together. It's a fateful blow, a strong one, but it's not the first one we have to fight with and it won't be the last. We've managed everything together so far, and we will do this too." At this moment I feel his lips touching my forehead, how he breathes a gentle kiss on it.

I shudder again, goose bumps spread from my spine over my whole body, I nod slightly. "I really thought it would end well. A family with you... that was my greatest dream, I can't believe this chance was just taken away." My voice trembles, I press myself closer to his chest, his hand strokes gently over my back.

"Then it's time for a new dream." His hot breath on my neck, I need to swallow. A new dream? My heart's desire was fulfilled, on the day we held Vika in our arms, when I saw Rakan's shining eyes, on this day I realized I had everything I could wish for, that I was satisfied. With my life, my loved ones, in peace with myself. Isn't that enough? Even if this happiness shattered like a bubble.

His hand lets go of my back and shortly afterwards I feel him putting a flower into my hair, his hand moves down my hair and remains resting on my feathers. " Do you mind?" Again I feel his breath on my neck, my heart beats faster. I shake my head, slightly. "Later." Then I turn my face towards him and settle down on his lap in such a way that we can look each other straight in the face, my legs resting on both sides of his hips. 

A gentle smile flits over my lips as I look at him, my hand resting on his chest. Slowly I grab his hand and put it on my chest, feeling each other's heartbeats. His heart beats for me, mine for him. That's what we promised each other so many years ago and that's how it' s been until today. Then I bend over and kiss him tenderly, his hand rests on the back of my head and he holds me tightly in his arms while our kiss becomes a little more passionate. 

As our lips loosen, a single look into his eyes is enough, the old fire is reignited, I can feel it deep inside of me and I' m sure that my eyes match his.

Time has stopped for me for months. While Rakans started running again a long time ago, mine continued to pause. But it changed now, it' s over.   
Right now, in his arms, my time has also started moving again.

He is right. We can do it together, like we always have.  
As long as he' s by my side, the world is fine.  
With him by my side, I can dream again and together with him I can make this dream come true, hoping that this time everything will be okay.


End file.
